


to the boy i have loved before

by renmoojunskz



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-01-13 16:19:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 4,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18472567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renmoojunskz/pseuds/renmoojunskz
Summary: its basically to all the boys ive loved before but its just changbin. jisung is in love with him so he writes him letters on google docs and one day, while assigned to a partner project with changbin, he shares the wrong document





	1. introduction

this is the first time jisung writes to changbin.

 

 

changbin,

 

this is my first letter to you. well, not to you since you will never see these. but today, you wore this black denim jacket and HOLY SHIT. man im in love with you. just looking at you smile and hearing you laugh makes me happy. even with my shitty life. you dont even know i exist. but thank you. i will definitely write to you more.

 

jisung

 

 

changbin,

 

my dad is screaming at my mom again. god. hes probably drunk again. i dunno why im typing this letter. its so short really. i just needed to rant i guess?

my parents are really... not in love anymore. my mom tries so hard but she works all the time. and my dad cheated but shes still trying to make him love her again. he just gets drunk and yells, making her feel useless.

he yells at me too. calling me names because im gay. im just grateful he hasnt gotten physical. sigh.

everything hurts. i think im going to get an apartment. or move in with felix. he has offered before. yeah im going to text him. sorry.

 

jisung

 

changbin,

you said hello to me today. it was short but it made my heart beat so fast. why do i have to be in love with you? im just the nearly mute annoying kid that no one likes but a kid from another school. i have no chance. fuck. whatever i shouldnt have typed this.

 

jisung

 

he slams his laptop closed and groans. it was 10pm and he couldnt sleep with the screaming downstairs.

felix is letting him move in, he is leaving tomorrow. he cant wait to get out of here.


	2. leaving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> finally jisung gets out

jisung sinks closer to himself as the rowdy football boys.

he bites the end of his pen and stares at the desk.

"you shouldnt do that. what if it breaks and gets ink all over your mouth?" one of the boys, seonghwa snickers and the boys go along.

"would be an improvment to that ugly face." 

they laugh loudly and jisung just sinks farther, putting the pen down and playing with his shirt.

they leave him alone thankfully and class starts.

jisung looks up and glances at changbin who sits directly in front of him.

he was leaning back and scribbing on his paper.

jisung nibbles on his lip.

"hey do you have a notecard?" changbins voice makes him jump. 

he nods fast and scrambles for one.

changbin shoots a dazzing smile that makes jisungs breathing catch.

"thanks cutie." he turns around and jisung scrambles for breath.

cutie??

oh god.

 

changbin,

you called me cute today and i had a panic attack. im not even sure if you know my name. but you called me cute and i....

it made my heart go crazy.

but you do that to every boy right? im not even cute... but im sure you were being nice.

i have to finish unpacking now.

 

jisung.

 

jisung puts his clothes away while listening to music and felix prances in.

"hey!" he grins.

jisung greets him back. "whats up?"

"im bored. wanna go out to a club or something?"

"uh."

jisung thinks hard. its friday. hes in college. well.

"fuck yeah."


	3. a boy

changbin,

 

a met a boy. his name is chan.he goes to the same college but hes a senior. 

i met him at a club with felix. hes really cute and sweet.

he actually.... uh he asked me on a date.

im kind of excited.

but i feel bad because i dont think i like him. i like you too much. but maybe if i give him a chance it will work out.

 

jisung

 

"hey, you need to get ready for your date." felix steps in.

jisung closes his laptop and stands. "yeah i had to finish a little bit of homework. want to help me pick something?"

felix happily rummages jisungs closet. it was a simple coffee date. jisung ends up in a cute sweater and jeans.

"you look cute." chan smiles at jisung when they meet.

jisung smiles back. "thank you.. you look good too."

they chat softly and order coffee and pastries.

after, chan takes jisung home and walks him to his door.

"uh that was fun." jisung smiles.

"i agree. i think i really like you." chan grins.

they go quiet and avoid each others eyes.

"uh okay... bye!" jisung leans up and kisses chans cheek before rushing inside.

chan smiles to himself widely. "bye!" and he leaves.

 

changbin,

 

chan is nice. and handsome.

so i think ill be happy as his boyfriend.

but it still feels wrong.

 

jisung


	4. over it

jisung tries to stay out of their line of sight.

but they already see him.

"hey! han jisung!" 

jisung feels like crying already.

they whistle.

he turns and makes eye contact. "yes?"

"come here," 

they snicker.

jisung slowly makes his way to the group of boys.

and they shove him to the ground. why did they find it fun to make his life horrible?

jisung doesn't move.

their laughter rings in his ears.

"ah you're so fun to mess with." with a swift kick to the stomach, they're gone.

jisung coughs and stands painfully, holding his stomach.

he doesn't even go to class, heading out the doors, chan's number dialing on his phone.

 

changbin,

today was worse than others. they hurt me physically this time. but its okay. i'm honestly over all of this. 

i'm tired of getting thrown around just because i'm different. i guess they find it fun to do it. i don't know. chan was nice about everything he picked me up and took me to his house and let me sleep. he didn't even get upset. hes honestly great. we have been dating for 2 months now and hes really sweet.

hes the only good thing in my life. other than that one time you spoke to me. i'm sorry. i'm sorry that i'm in love with you when i know i don't even have a chance you don't even know my name.

i'm over all of this.

 

jisung.

 

"hey, sungie." chan smiles, sitting on the bed next to him. 

jisung puts his laptop on the bedside table and leans into him. "hey,"

"feeling better?" chan wraps an arm around him.

jisung nods, "thank you."

"lets get some food, yeah?" 

 

felix won the next game and cheers happily. jisung groans. "why do i even play with you when i know i suck?"

"because i beg you to." felix grins.

jisung sighs.

"hey, you seem off lately. you okay?" felix sets his controller down.

"yeah just those stupid guys you know? being dicks."

felix nods. "they're assholes."

"i'm good though."

"oh you missed something in class yesterday. a partner project. i tried to get you as mine but she put you with seo changbin. sorry." felix sighs.

jisung blinks.

a partner project with seo changbin?

oh no.


	5. oh no

changbin,

 

we have a partner project together. god i'm so sorry in advance. i do my work i get good grades but you're going to make this hard. 

i'm so nervous.

this probably means i'm going to have to go to your house. with you. oh god.

this is going to be a disaster.

 

changbin,

 

chan and i had our first argument today...

it was over me. and those stupid boys, those friends of yours...

i told him to stop worrying about me, that i can handle it myself and he got angry and yelled. i left before it got bad but i don't know. it felt horrible arguing with him.

i don't know maybe he will apologize soon.

or maybe i should.


	6. project

"okay get together with your partners and begin working for the period." 

jisung's heart beats fast as changbin shuffles through his things on his desk. he turns. "ready?"

jisung nods softly.

"cool. you weren't here yesterday but i don't mind being your partner."

"uhm... i'm going to tell you right now that i.. am not in the best state right now. my boyfriend and i broke up this morning." jisung says softly.

changbin's face turns to worry. "oh are you alright?"

"yeah. it was mutual. we kind of just... fizzed out. it wasn't a long relationship or anything but yeah." jisung shrugs. "lets just work on this."

 

changbin,

we started our project today. you're really nice and cool to talk to and it made me fall in love all over again. how can you be friends with those boys? they're so horrible..

whatever... i need to work on my part of the project now.

 

jisung

 

"okay so i finished my part of the project. well, the first part." changbin tells him the next day in class.

"i finished the first part of mine too." jisung nods.

"cool, you can just share your parts with me as you finish them and ill work on putting them with mine." 

"no problem." jisung quickly shares the first part of his project with changbin on google docs and class starts.

 

changbin,

again, you're really nice. i finished my second part of the project i need to share it with you.

but right i'm gonna use this to rant.

i don't really know what happened with chan but i... i guess i'm okay with it. i felt weird the whole few months anyway... like i'm in love with you its weird dating someone you don't really love.

but breaking up was weird. but i guess it had to happen.

hes already dating someone, hyunjin. its fine. i'm not like really upset or anything.

whatever i'm going to share the project with you.

 

jisung.

 

one document has been shared with seo changbin.

 

one new email: from seo changbin.

jisung clicks the email as it arrives, about an hour after sharing his project with changbin.

 

subject: uhm...?

hey jisung. i think you... shared the wrong document with me. if you could just... share the right one it'll be okay... 

and uh... sorry but i read all of it.

changbin.


	7. shit

oh fuck.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK.

oh please, be a different document.

jisung clicks on the document "letters to changbin" and then the share button.

he feels like throwing up when it shows "shared with one person: seo changbin".

no way...

"felix!" he yells.

felix walks in, "what?"

"i... i am in love with changbin okay? and i have been writing these letters to him on this google document about it and other things just to get the feelings off my chest and i.. i fucking shared it with him on accident instead of the project oh my fucking god. he read it. he emailed me. he read all of it. oh my god felix." jisung rambles, starting to cry.

"oh shit. jisung.. come here.." felix hugs him tightly as he cries.

"he knows everything... even some of the stuff with my parents and the bullying and chan... oh god.."

"its okay calm down." felix soothes. "im sure he doesnt mind."

"he emailed me that he read everything.. just send the right document hes probably disgusted. im so disgusting oh my god he hates me i never had a chance."

"stop that. thats not true."

"im going to sleep." jisung sniffs.

felix sighs. "alright..."


	8. avoid

"okay so this part i didnt really understand..." jisung mumbles, pointing.

they sat on jisungs bed, papers spread out and laptops open.

changbin explains easily and jisung nods. "thanks."

the awkward air was obvious.

changbin was quiet and didnt say much.

jisung was avoiding the topic.

"um jisung..?" changbin clears his throat.

jisungs heart nearly stops. "oh please dont..."

"no no i..i just wanted to say im not uncomfortable with you or anything..." he gives a soft smile. "it doesnt make me uncomfortable."

jisung stares for a second. "it really should hyung."

"it doesnt... and i just wanted you to know that if you need anything... someone to rant to or talk aboit your parents with, im here. you can always call or something."

jisung sees the pity in his eyes and it makes him sick. he avoids the pity. "i dont have your number."

"oh!" changbin pulls his phone out. "lets exchange."

jisung nods and they do so and trade phones back.

"um you know..." changbin starts again. "about the cru-"

"please." jisung pleads. "im embarassed enough... i dont need you turning me down before im even your friend... just... please i already know.."

he feels like crying.

"i wasnt going to.... uh never mind. lets finish this up."

 

-

 

"ill see you tomorrow." changbin smiles as he leaves.

jisung sighs, sitting on the couch.

he really fucked up his chances.

why did he write those stupid letters?


	9. changbin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update!

changbin stares at his desk. he can hear jisung scribbling behind him.

his mind was flooded with thoughts of the younger boy.

jisung was avoiding him and thinking about him.

he bites his pencil and stares at changbins shoulder.

a fuzzy rests there and hes itching to take it off.

finally he reaches forward and grabs it. 

changbin turns to look at him. 

"o-oh uh you had a fuzzy o-on your sh-shoulder..." jisung stumbles.

"oh." changbin nods. "you-" he stares and takes a breath. "you look pretty today."

jisung chokes on air and stands fast as the bell rings, sprinting from the classroom. 

he fails to catch his breath in the bathroom, heart racing.

the bell rings again and the bathroom door opens. 

"come here ugly kid. we know youre in here." 

jisung passes out.

 

-

 

"jisung? jisung?" the world is blurry.

pain shoots through his body.

he falls back, room spinning.

"holy shit." the voice was fuzzy but familiar.

he feels his body being lifted and he groans softly.

"fuck sorry i didnt mean to hurt you." the voice was gentle.

the person smelled of summer. summer and candy.

but also strangly masculine too.

he passes out again, the pain flooding his senses.

 

dear changbin,

thank you. thank you for finding me. thank you for sitting and waiting when the nurse cleaned my cuts. thank you for confronting those boys even though they bit back and called you gay.

im sorry you are caught up in this.

you didnt have to break his nose....

 

jisung


	10. awkward again

jisung shuffles his papers on changbins bed.

he winces when he turns. 

"are you in pain?" changbin asks quietly.

jisung glances at him. he nods softly.

"you should rest... they really bruised you up..." changbin suggests.

jisung shakes his head and types a little.

"youre welcome..."

jisung glances again.

"sorry. ive been rereading those letters and i saw the one you added. it was nothing. im not bothered by their comments. i am gay so it doesnt matter. and i cant stand what they did to you." changbin rambles.

"is it okay if i lie down?" 

changbin nods. "yeah of course."

he clears the bed and lets jisung climb under the covers. he stares at the younger for a second and gently swipes hair from his face. "you can sleep as long as you want."

jisungs heart races.

god that was awkward.


	11. still avoiding

when jisung wakes up its dark outside.

he groans and sits up. he makes his way to the living room where changbin sits watching tv.

"hyung...?" jisung coughs.

"oh hey. you hungry??" he asks. 

jisung nods softly. 

"i made ramen if you want some." changbin smiles.

jisung takes a bowl and sits next to him, eating it slowly.

"when youre done, let me see your cuts and bruises. ill clean them some more." changbin states.

jisung sets the empty bowl down. "okay."

changbin finds some bandages and alcohol and comes back after jisung strips his shirt.

first he cleans the cut on his cheek and then he carefully cleans the few one his chest and stomach, avoiding the bruises.

jisungs face is bright red from the way changbins big hands holds his waist.

"there," he finishes the last bandage. "ill get you a clean shirt."

jisung accepts the plain shirt.

"can i.." jisung coughs. "can i stay here....? sorry i just dont really wanna go back to felixs right now." jisung blushes.

"sure." changbin smiles.

a few hours later jisung is tired again. "ill sleep here." jisung says. 

"no you can have my bed." changbin smiles.

"uhm.." jisung slowly nods.

"cool. well, good night." 

 

-

 

jisung sits in changbins passenger seat the next morning wearing all changbins clothes and holding the coffee changbin bought for him.

its no joke that everyone stares when they walk in together.

and when they whisper jisung hears a few.

"are they together?" "changbins straight." "hes wearing changbins clothes." 

jisung sinks behind changbin so it didn't look like they were walking together.

"hey, come back." changbin chuckles, pulling him up and lacing their fingers together.

jisung heart quickens and his face gets hot.

the whispers are louder.

its no surprise when the familiar boys approach.

"holy shit no way." seonghwa snickers.

jisung flinches and tries to pull his hand away but changbins squeezes.

"seo changbin the faggot huh?" one laughs. "caught that shit from ugly kid."

"maybe we should knock the gay out of them. again."

jisung feels like passing out.

"fuck off. our sexuality is none of your business. so shut the fuck up. we both know i can rip your head off. so dont fucking touch him or me or anyone who is open about their sexuality. im not scared to get expelled for killing you." changbin growls.

seonghwa pauses for a second then scoffs. "whatever. try me." 

"hes probably stringing ugly kid along he aint gay." someone says. 

jisungs heart aches.

"oh yeah?" changbin tilts his head.

the next few seconds are fast and silent.

the feeling of changbins lips on his and changbins hands gripping his hips is completely fire.

his toes curl and his body is rigid.

changbin pulls away. "im gay. and i like han jisung. so fucking eat my ass you homophobic pricks."


	12. this kiss this kiss

jisung lets changbin pull him to class and immediately snatches his hand away, sitting down.

he flicks his laptop on, sinking low in his seat.

 

dear changbin,

dont kiss me again. and dont lie to me ever again.

you really dont get how much it hurts after all these years of pain and abuse and... just dont. 

 

jisung.

 

he slams it closed and glares intently at the wall.

he was pissed.

yeah changbin kissed him. but it was a lie. he was using jisung and now jisung was so sure of it that it hurts.

"okay class dismissed your project is due tomorrow."

"jisung-" changbin turns but jisung stands fast.

"i will walk home today."

"but-" 

"dont touch me."

"jisung seriously just-"

"liar." jisung snaps harshly, the whole class watching.

changbin clenches his jaw and grabs jisungs wrist. "dont."

jisung yanks his arm back and slaps him, hard. 

a few students gasp and murmur.

"dont fucking touch me." and hes gone.

changbin glares at the desk before cracking his neck and grabbing his bag.

"what the fuck are you looking at?" he growls and shoves his way through, kicking the door open.


	13. texts and calls

from: changbin (26 unread)

jisung??

can you tell me what happened

i just want to know

are you home safe

are you okay

did you not mean what you said

im not a liar

why are you mad

please answer me

what did i do. 

i didnt lie....

im sorry

just please answer me..

im getting worried

im sorry for kissing you

i never should have read those letters.

i wont kiss you again 

i saw the new one

im sorry.

please jisung

im so sorry 

please please please

i just need to know youre okay

please

im so sorry.... i didn't lie...

ill leave you alone....


	14. talk to me

it had been a week. changbin tries to talk to him everyday in the halls.

people watch and listen.

"jisung." changbin calls softly. "please talk to me."

jisung swivels and goes the other way, speed walking.

"jisung!"

but he keeps going.

he lets a breath out and feels the tears prick his eyes.

it hurts so much. the lies the kiss. everything.

he finds himself in an empty classroom that isnt used and sits there most of the day. 

most of the time he sits and cries quietly. then he writes.

 

changbin,

please... leave me alone. i know you dont like me. you barely know me. i... don't know why you kissed me.

i dont need you to lie to protect me im dealing with it by myself.

im fine.

i dont need you sitting here and hurting me over and over. you dont understand how in love with you i am.

and it fucking hurts that you kissed me. it hurts. my heart is just.. broken and aching. and im already fucked up because of my parents and having two friends, one in a different school. 

and being in love with you when i know you would never love me.

so please leave me alone so i can be broken without you making it worse.

im sorry but this hurt me. i know you were using me. 

just using me and pulling me along.

and it hurts. so please go away.

 

jisung.

 

changbin bites his nail as he reads the letter as jising types it, all the typos and mess ups. he knows hes crying.

the blue line stands blinking at the end and changbin knows hes still on the document.

so he types.

 

jisung,

i wasn't using you. jisung...

just talk to me.

i know youre broken and im so sorry for kissing you when you didnt want it.

but i wanted to. and i do like you.

actually...

jisung i love you. please talk to me.

 

changbin.

 

jisung stares. 

he sniffs.

his heart beats fast, head aching.

"jisung...?" the door opens.

jisung scrambles to his feet. "hyung- i-"

"did you read it..?" changbin asks.

jisung nods, feeling fresh tears flow down his face.

"i mean it." changbin sighs.

jisung sniffs and lets out a shaky breath.

changbim stands in front of him and gently cups his face. his thumbs wipe the tears and he smiles at him. "jisung i do love you. ive loved you since the first day of this class."

jisung sobs harshly. "c-changbin..."

"im serious. i do. i want to help you. fix the broken parts. make everything better. because i love you. i can give you time but i want you to know that im right here and im not lying. i love you."

he rests his forehead on jisungs and jisung lets out another shaky breath. "i love you." he whispers. changbins heart leaps.

"this feels great." changbin whispers. "it feels great to hold you so close." jisungs fingers play with the collar of changbins shirt. "last class is almost over. lets go."

they go back to changbins house and jisung falls asleep, changbin sitting up next to him on the bed, fingers running through jisungs hair as the younger rests his head on his lap.

he smiles.


	15. stupid

"psst. ugly kid.. hey!" jisung snaps his head up. "you really think seo changbin likes you?"

jisung clenches his jaw and holds his pen tightly.

"he doesnt. you know hes straight right? he dated angel for 2 years in high school. you know that right?" he laughs.

"shut up."

"hes using you im just saying. youre too ugly for anyone to like anyway."

jisungs heart aches.

it had only been 3 days. 

he bites his lip, feeling the tears starting.

luckily the bell rings and he bolts, shooting straight past changbin outside the door.

"hey! jisung-" 

jisung slams the stall door the second he reaches the bathroom. he tries to breathe.

why cant they leave him alone? let him be happy? even if they are right at least hes happy right now.... even if changbin is using him.

he sniffles and lets out a breath as someone steps into the bathroom.

"jisung i know youre in here." changbins voice is loud.

jisung shakes his head, sinking against the wall.

"come out. we can talk. whatever they said isnt true."

"so you didn't date that dumb slutty girl for years?" jisung blurts.

its quiet. 

jisung sobs. "so you are lying."

"jisung-"

"why am i so stupid? why did i believe you? youre popular and perfect and... amazing and im me and i shouldnt have let you trick me,"

"come here. come out right now."

jisung whimpers softly. "dont hurt me."

"why would i ever hurt you baby?" 

the name sends jisungs heart into a panic.

he slowly opens the door and steps out.

changbin pulls him close by the hips and sways him gently. "i love you." he whispers. "i dated her because my parents are homophobic. im not straight. or bi for that matter. and i love you. you cant keep listening to them. theyre trying to hurt you."

jisung sniffs, leaning closer.

"okay baby? you wont listen anymore right??" he cups his cheek softly.

jisung nods and quickly leans up to kiss him.

changbin smiles into it and pulls away. "okay. better?" 

jisung nods. 

"lets go to class then."

 

-

 

"felix." jisung calls. the orange haired boy pops his head in. "im going to changbins."

"youre always at changbins. why dont you bring him here?"

"'cause youre here." jisung laughs.

felix rolls his eyes. "you should so i can actually meet him now that youre dating."

jisung purses his lips, pulling his charger from the wall. "we aren't dating."

felix scoffs. "are you sure?"

"yeah. he hasnt asked."

"he will soon."

at changbins, jisung immediately plops onto his lap and gets comfortable. changbin laughs. "more comfortable with me now?"

jisung nods, nuzzling his face into changbins neck.

changbin pulls him tighter around the waist. "im glad."

the tv shows something american and jisung is too busy staring at changbin to even acknowledge it.

his strong jaw and pretty lips and his eyes. he was so handsome and jisung was so... not.

he shakes off the thought and pecks across changbins jaw.

"that tickles." changbin laughs.

jisung keeps going and changbin laughs harder only to end up tickling the younger boy.

soon hes got jisung pinned down tickling his sides, jisung squirming and squealing.

he stops and grins wide. "i win."

jisung whines. "but-"

changbin cuts him off with a short yet sweet kiss.

jisung pouts. "fine."

they shift around so jisung can lay into changbins side. 

changbin softly kisses his head. "i love you."

jisungs heart swells. "i love you."

**Author's Note:**

> i write aus on Twitter! @binseobins


End file.
